The accidental hermit is changing

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hermit tarot cardThe main problem for me with Borderline personality disorder is that constant flow of negative thoughts and feelings that run through my mind; the inability to form and maintain healthy relationships on all levels personal, professional and on a family level.

It was not until late in my life that I was diagnosed BDP I had been palmed off with clinical depression until my early 40s. I am not saying that I didn’t have depressive episodes I always knew that there was more to it.

My symptoms where textbook, drink and drug abuse, unstable relationships, risk-taking and mood swings etc. when things got difficult I would just move far away from what at the time was my life.

Over the years and my skills at making friends has waned and I have become more and more isolated. My last move about 5 years ago, led me to move to a place I have never been and have no contacts.

This has led to a stable but unhealthy state. Due to bedroom tax I had to get a lodger something I never wanted but an acquaintance needed somewhere to get their life in order. This had led to a situation where I am stuck with someone in my home that I don’t want but need to help cover the rent.

But for the most part I can handle them being around or I just avoid them when I am in a bad way, but this self enforce isolation has some positive outcomes having no relationships and very very limited contact with selected family members. The positive aspect I most value is the silence. For me my mind is either running a million miles a minute or it’s a hollow numb feeling, where I can even move.

I still have symptoms every day, but now I get a rest bite, where I feel what I approximate to being normal. I can have clear thoughts without negativities or having to resort to relying on tools like mindfulness, self-sooth or distraction for short periods of time.

The negative aspects of isolation are; I have not had a physical relationship in 20 years, I haven’t spoken to my father in 2 years, I have no friends just people that full fill a need or requirement either at the present time or in future. Or at least that what I try and convince myself of.

I have a strong fear of rejection so I don’t want to make new friends or attempt to just in case they leave or stop liking me this is why working is almost an impossibility. I get very paranoid in the work place in fact almost every place where people are. That on top of the self-loathing and self-destructive nature makes these places a minefield of emotional triggers and traumas.

I have a need and compulsion to over come my borderline personality disorder I have had a butt load of therapy including, Cognitive analytic therapy (CAT), Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), art therapy, one to one and group. I have studied counselling, psychology, mindfulness, meditation, philosophy anything that would give me an understanding of myself, or ways of coping including writing content for

Through this isolation I have worked out that for me to have the life, I want I must set myself goals and create steps to make them achievable and realistic. For example I want to go back to work and in many ways it would be so easy to get a job but the problem is how do I deal with the emotional states?

I started looking at getting out and socialise with others and building up my skills. My first few attempts at social interaction where difficult major anxiety and panic attacks and I just walked away although I did persevere. And I ended up at the Human Henge project, which was a small group that met weekly for 10 weeks. During this time the group came together and bonds where made and have been maintain even though I have found it difficult… I have struggled.

By maintaining contact I have managed to interact while other humans and attend social arrangements while not becoming overly attached. This is has encouraged me to look at volunteering and attempting to rejoin the work force this will be a slow process and may not work the first time around but by searching for the right situation I should be able to find that suits my requirements.

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About Mr BPD

About Author. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and as a writer and poet I explore my madness through the creative arts. I have a personal belief that even in darkness light exists and it is a personal responsibility to always seek the light and I find the light in creating something.
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