A Borderline Day

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Kevin awoke as normal, the darkness of the night was slipping away and the soft dawn light gave him just enough reassurance that it was a new day. As he lied in the double bed and reached out and there she was, warm and furry, his one true friend Petra the collie.

Kevin reaches out and grabs the t-shirt he took off before getting into bed. he  sits up and puts it on he then grabs the tracksuit bottoms and pulls them on before sitting on the edge of the bed before rising to his feet.

He walks to the bathroom a trip and routine that has been repeated day in and day out for years. Petra jumps off the bed and stands at the top of the stairs and waits to see if Kevin will go down stairs or returns back to bed.

He walks out of the bathroom looks at Petra and says, “Go on girl” and she runs down the stairs followed by Kevin. He walks in to the living room and switches the Computer on and TV and walks into the kitchen and makes himself a coffee. He opens the back door grabs his coffee and sits down in front of the computer lights a cigarette.

Grabbing the remote control he changes the channel to the news and returns his attention to the computer and with a flick of the mouse he opens his email account and opens FaceBook.

Scanning the vast amount of spam emails he looks for something of interest takes a sharp intake of breath and mutters to himself. He scans the FaceBook news feed checking that the people he knows are all ok. He checks the time it’s just gone 5am he knows that no-one is awake or online he shares a few post hoping that someone will comment or like and prove that there are people out their.

He goes through the same routine collecting daily bonuses and sending gift of games he does not play. About half an hour passes and FaceBook has become boring he knows his one friend Hazel will be ready for their daily catch up at 7:50 to 8:10 but know he has to face about an hour and half before he can talk to another human being.

Kevin sits and watches the news mumbling his disgust at the world outside the clock strikes 6am. Kevin get up opens the cupboard door and takes out the Hoover and runs it around the living room he then put the dishwasher on and feeds Petra who has been sleeping in the chair. It takes about 10 minutes for Kevin to complete his chores so he makes another coffee. Kevin can feel his mood change he knows that he has to keep it together until he speaks to Hazel so grabs the remote control and scans the channels for something funny to watch and comes across the Golden Girls.

He sits the watching but not watching it was an episode he had seen before, so he was predicting the script during the adverts he scanned channels across the days possible viewing options. He can rest he check FaceBook clicks on the chat option he sees his Hazel been online.

Kevin knows she is awake alive and available but he also know that he still has to wait to 7:50 before she will be online and he can hear her rant about her life and the people in it. He looks so forward to her daily rants. It’s almost like he is a life living vicariously through her life and sometime he will tell her how he is feelings but most of the time he just talks. He returns to the TV flicking channels not really watching but absorbing. The clock strikes 7.50 as a show of defiance that he really does not need anyone he switches on FaceBook chat, and makes a coffee dancing between the kitchen checking the chat looking for that green dot to say she is their.

7.51 he sits like a panting dog waiting for their owner to come home begging for some attention.

7.52 she not online he starts to panic but hold it back remembering that their a twenty minute window in which she will be on. He switches on the news more bile spews forward hate for the disabled and sick and those on benefits. More anti Muslim propaganda and hate from every direct he switches to candy crush sage to focus his thoughts, the TV gets switched to a random sci-fi or comedy show. He keeps checking the chat box hoping that she clicks on before anyone else notices he is online.

Clock ticks past 8:15 she is still not online, Kevin’s minds starts to run at first it’s simple thoughts that he can swat away like fly buzzing around his head, tick tock the clock marks 8:30 Kevin racks his thoughts have I upset Hazel did I say or do something wrong. Did she have something on this morning have I forgot. Kevin grabs hold of his racing mind and changes the parameters of the waiting time.

He comes up with a number of plausible reasons Hazel is not online and makes a vow that if he has not heard from her by mid-day he will just drop a quick message and check that she is ok. He knows that they share similar mental health illness and she could be having a bad day and just does not want to talk it has happened in the past. He also know that a simple message like “hoping your ok if your having a shit day I am here if you need, catch up tomorrow, just call in all day”.

Kevin sits on the floor and Petra sits beside him and pushes her head against his chest he smile’s rubs her back and says “luv you girl it’s ok I will be ok” and she lies down on the floor next to him and put her head on his lap.

By 10 o’clock Kevin mind and thoughts have be racing with negative thought and he has wound himself up wondering what he has done wrong. His thought cause him negative thought about being let down or rejected. He knows that he is being stupid and it just negative thoughts, but he spends several minutes looking at his wrist wondering if he could.

Petra goes and gets her toy and drops it in Kevin’s lap he smiles to himself knowing her love is unconditional and start having a conversation with her and he tells her how he feels about her. Petras movements and looks convey a sort of understanding and response of a nuzzel seems to convey that she feels the same.

The clock strikes 12 midday and he knows it time to make that message his internal dialogue tells him that he can make it precisely midday it would show a exactness that levels on needy or stalkerish trates, he then questions himself about on what is the right time to make that call, “can’t do it on a 10s of an hour or ¼ past the hour so either 8 or 17 of the hour 12:17 a good time.

Kevin types the message in the chat box which sends his heart pounds in his chest every moment waiting for a response is a spin cycle in hell.

12:19 no response Kevin’s mind is filled with a negative though, each hitting like raindrops on a window. The internal noise seems to radiate through his body. he manages to focus the mental noise into his right arm. He seem to know where to cut so he can release the pain inside. He takes a deep breath and walks into the kitchen and grabs the bottle of vodka and swigs straight from the bottle the itching in his arms become dulled another gulp and the mind quietens and a level of normal thought is achieved another gulp and caring stops.

Time unknown and not bothered Kevin sits in a blur of drink and fear and lose and the computer pings a message its Hazel “soz hun bad day will explain all tomorrow ttfn love u loads” he looks at the message and all the fears melt away and he smiles to himself and Petra put her head on his lead and looks up with silly eyes and he messages “NP hun chat in A.M luv u to”

Kevin sits back and relaxes the internal conflict subsides and the alcohol takes hold, he turns his body and find a comfortable position and falls asleep.

2:30am Kevin awake with sore knees and a wrinkled face because cushions he had under his head,he swaggers upstairs and falls on the bed and starts to snore.

Kevin woke up as normal, the darkness of the night was slipping away and the soft dawn light gave him just enough reassurance that it was a new day. As he lied in the double bed he reached out and there she was, warm and furry his one true friend Petra the collie. And the cycle starts again

This short story is based on my personal life parts of it are over dramatised but are based on fact and are mixed with elements of my own BPD.

About Mr BPD

About Author. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and as a writer and poet I explore my madness through the creative arts. I have a personal belief that even in darkness light exists and it is a personal responsibility to always seek the light and I find the light in creating something.
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