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I have BPD “Borderline Personality Disorder” (AKA emotionally unstable personality disorder – impulsive or borderline type or emotional intensity disorder). BPD is a very difficult mental illness not just for the person who has it but also for family, friends and partners (if they have not been driven away).

BPD manifests as abnormal behavioural patterns that usually develops in adolescence and persist into adulthood although the cause of the illness is unclear. It is believed that BDP is caused by combination of genetic and environmental factors with 8 out of 10 suffers experience parental neglect or physical, sexual or emotional abuse during their childhood.

As a child I did suffer from abuse as a child in the form of parental neglect and emotional abuse, which has left me with abandonment issues and lots of distrust. I self sabotage relationships, because it’s too risky to trust others and I have very low self-image, in fact now I live a very isolated life now with no real friends or family attachments.

As a man it can be much more difficult basically because BDP is suffered more by females because it is recognised less frequently in men so treatment can hard to access until a diagnoses is gained. I was in my late 30 before being correctly diagnosed, so to be honest behavioural patterns have become ingrained and are much harder to change.

BDP symptoms and behavioural patterns include: – *

  • Overwhelming feelings of distress, anxiety, worthlessness or anger
  • Difficulty managing such feelings without self-harming – for example, by abusing drugs and alcohol or taking overdoses
  • Difficulty maintaining stable and close relationships
  • Sometimes having periods of loss of contact with reality
  • In some cases, threats of harm to others**

*Source NHS**

To be honest it is like having multiple mental health illness that manifest singularly or in multiples no two days are the same. It all starts with a single thought and that it the brain goes running off thinking the worst creating mental confusion and then the feelings start, depression, anxiety, self loathing and then the self abuse start as you try to control the well of uncontrolled emotions.

I have gone through some much therapy of the years but to be honest it has not worked I know the skills and use them as much as I can, I protect myself by isolating myself from people that could hurt me or I hurt them not with violence but usually with harsh and hurtful words.

On this site I would like to provide some information on BPD as well as explore what it is like to suffer from this illness I will be doing this in the form of Poetry and short stories.

I hope you find this site helpful and will become a resource for that need help to understand what it is like to suffer from BPD


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